By Ryan H.
Once upon a time, in a very magical land, which was very far away and exceedingly difficult to get to, there was a young and handsome prince who wanted to find a princess of his own to marry and live happily ever after with, as such was the way in this land.
The only problem however, was that at the time, all of the really beautiful princesses had either been married off or were guarded by terrible fire-breathing dragons, or trolls with putrid snot dripping from their noses, but worst of all, were the scary looking children with hair the color of the darkest night and matching eyeliner.
Those kids scared the young prince more than anything else in the world, it was something about the way that they dressed in all black with various studded bracelets-- it was either that, or the fact that they stood around and listened to scream-o, a type of music which frightened the young prince to death, he always thought to himself why are you screaming at me? I never did anything to you.
One day, not unlike any other, the prince's father, the grand King Leonheart, told his son that he would disown him if he did not marry within a week. The prince protested, stating that all of the princesses in the known land were either married, guarded by one of the fierce adversaries listed above, or guarded by one of nature's adversities: bad breath, yellow teeth, an abnormally large nose, or perchance a unibrow-- just to name a few of the ailments befalling the neighboring princesses.
King Leonheart however, was unmoved by his son's pleas and repeated to his son that he had a week to be married or he would never wear the crown.
The prince pouted as he saddled up his horse, he was to go in search of a beautiful princess even if it meant battling a ferocious dragon or snotty troll, but he would try to avoid the ones in all black if at all possible.
On the first day of his journey he came to a small village where he stayed for the night. While he was resting in the local inn he heard a tale of a trapped princess of surpassing beauty who was guarded by a terrible fiend. The prince inquired as to the location of the trapped princess and one of the locals told the prince that she was being held in a tower in the middle of Sherwood Forest.
The prince was exalted at how easy this finding a princess thing was, and so he went to sleep on that first night anxiously awaiting the dawn of the following day when he would ride to the heart of the forest and rescue the princess from her prison.
And so, having awakened the following morning, the prince rode off into the forest where he searched for a tower guarded by a terrible fiend. It was not an easy search. The trees in this particular forest were very tall and dense and it made it difficult for our young prince to distinguish a tower amongst them.
The prince stopped for a moment and asked directions from a man on the corner of the trail. The man was wearing a green cap with a feather in it, which seemed strange to the prince, but he asked for directions anyway. The strange man said that he was busy trying to get money from his men, who were out working the forest; he explained that he had been having trouble with business lately, saying that nobody was looking for a good time lately, which was inconvenient for him because he had his eyes on a new cane that would make him the talk of the woods.
The prince asked again if the man with the cane and feathered hat knew anything about a tower guarded by a terrible fiend hidden in the forest. In reply the man only pointed with his cane to an area not far away and when the prince turned to where the feathered hat man was pointing, he saw a clearing with a behemoth of a tower.
The prince thanked the man and moved on to the tower which was extremely giant, dominating the landscape, so much so that the prince wondered how he had missed it before. It was the biggest tower he had ever seen, but he was careful because he knew that there was something guarding the tower, although for the first time he realized that he had no idea what it was.
He marched over to the towering tower and walked over the threshold and up the spiral staircase all the way to the top where he found an amazingly beautiful princess waiting for him. She had long blonde hair and the fairest skin and most beautiful face he had ever seen.
The prince told her that he was there to rescue her from the tower and she was overcome with joy. Together they began to retreat down the staircase he had just ascended and together they exited the tower. But before they could get away for good, they came face to face with the guard of the tower.
The prince recognized it and knew immediately that it was the most fiendishly fiendish fiend that had ever existed in the entire kingdom. It was called Chuck Norris.
Chuck was wearing a shirt that said ''Chuck Norris Does All My Stunts'' and he had on a cowboy hat and a matching pair of boots. He was truly a fearful sight to behold. He was standing between the prince and his steed, making sure that the prince could not escape with his princess.
But the prince had one thing on his side, because Chuck Norris was easily the most infamous of all the fiends in the land, it had often been discussed what strategy should be taken if he were met on the path alone, and the prince knew what that strategy was, and he was perfectly prepared.
As Chuck Norris approached, the prince stood his ground and reached into his pocket and pulled out a few pieces of candy and threw them at the ground by Chuck's feet. As Chuck looked down at the candy he exclaimed with a girlish joy ''OOOH, CANDIES!!!''
Then the prince ran with the princess right past Chuck Norris, who was still preoccupied with the candy on the ground, and they hopped onto the horse and rode off into the distance together, past the man with the feathered hat, and as they exited the forest they saw a very fat looking wolf dressed in a little red hood and they wondered where he could have gotten it. They eventually came back to the kingdom where the prince was prince and on the very next day they were married.
Meanwhile, back in the forest, Chuck Norris just finished eating all of the candy, and the smile on his face slowly faded away, and he started walking towards where he had seen the prince leave and he stopped to ask directions to where he could find the prince from a helpful man with a feathered hat and a cane.
Chuck Norris looked into the distance and said to himself ''This isn't over, I'm coming for you!''