The Day Santa Clause Battled The Easter Bunny
By Anthony G.
It was a busy day at Santa’s workshop. All the elves were in a last minute hustle trying to complete and check every toy that was to be delivered the very next day. While the elves were bustling, Santa had decided to take a quick walk to get away from the frantic atmosphere in the workshop. And as he stepped onto the frigid snow, he thought about the big delivery he was to make tomorrow, and whether he was delivering to Canada or Greenland first.
But all through every activity that was taking place at the workshop, no one had any idea that there was an infiltrator lurking throughout it. This infiltrator was dressed in all black; from his giant pointy ears, all the way down to his weird bouncy feet. This infiltrator had sabotaged anything that was possibly sabotagable, and when Santa returned from his walk, the infiltrator had escaped, and everything went horribly, horribly wrong.
It started out as simple things, such as the conveyer belt jamming, or the cookies being switched from chocolate-chip to granola-tofu. Then there was an explosion heard from upstairs. It was only then that Santa came out of his office to see that half of an entire wing of his workshop had been destroyed by an egg mine. No one had gotten hurt except for one particularly unlucky elf, who was currently flying through the air at 60 MPH only to smack face-first into a snowman and get captured by penguins.
Then, just as suddenly as the explosion, Santa turned around to see that the front door of his office was beaming toward him. Then Santa used his Spidy/Santa sense to do a Matrix-style back flip over the door, land on his feet, and see who used his own door against him. I’m pretty sure you know who was standing in the doorway, but just in case you don’t, I’ll give you a second to think about it-(Jeopardy theme song)-you guessed it, it was The Easter Bunny.
“Hello Rufus,” said Santa, “long time no see.”
“Don’t call me Rufus, my name is The Easter Bunny!” exclaimed Rufus, who would much rather be called The Easter Bunny.
“You were always so despicable,” said Santa.
The words Santa spoke were true and since I’m writing this story, I think I’ll take some time to tell you when Santa and The Easter Bunny first met, a long, long time ago…
In 665 D.M. (during magic), there was a school in the Northern most tip of Haikengirkenstien (now known as Mexico) that was called, ''The School for Students Who are too Outcasted or too Evil to Attend Anywhere Else.'' Santa was outcasted because of a follicle problem which caused him to always have a long, white beard. The Easter Bunny however was very evil. In the schools he used to attend, he was always either setting off egg-themed catastrophes, or chewing on people’s legs. His obsession with eggs caused him to be outcasted by his bunny tribe, which was called ChewyMcLettuceCarrot.
This school taught the basics of magic and sorcery, and it only took a few days for them to start feuding. Santa was always better than The Easter Bunny in everything that they did, and The Easter Bunny got so tired of it that he started studying evil magic and swore that he would get revenge against Santa Claus if it was the last he did.
It was through this school that Santa created the best holiday of all time and where The Easter Bunny created one that was not so great. After several pathetic attempts at revenge, The Easter Bunny had finally devised a plan that he knew would work. Now let us return to the second phase of that particular plan, which happens to be psychological warfare.
“Was I despicable, or were you pretending to be despicable just to blame it on me?” said The Easter Bunny.
“I’m pretty sure you were the one who was despicable,” said Santa.
“Are you pretty sure, or not, sort of, really, unsure?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t change the subject!”
“I didn’t change the subject!”
“Yes you did.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did.”
“You know what Rufus, you should really shut-up, because you just wiped out half of my entire upper wing with one of your stupid eggs. Now get prepared to get a face full of candycane-flavored fist.”
“And what exactly does that taste like?”
It was then that Santa attacked, but instead of coming at him with a fist, he quickly unsheathed a sword which he used to smack The Easter Bunny with the side of his blade. This caused him to fly into the newly undoored hallway. It was then that The Easter Bunny came at Santa with a sword of his own. But Santa easily blocked the blow and smacked The Easter Bunny once again with the side of his blade. This time the force of the blow caused him to go flying through the window and land in a soft pile of snow.
As soon as he looked up, he saw that Santa was careening toward him. Just as Santa was about to make the final blow, The Easter Bunny hopped into the air and administered a super-flippy kick right at Santa’s face. This time Santa flew through the air, back towards the workshop, and struck it with a thunderous blow. Then both of them got up, and confronted each other with their swords.
Each of them had excellent skill with a blade, so neither of them could land any blows to their opponent. After an hour of sword clashing (the sparks from the battle set two trees on fire), Santa decided to take a different approach. He swiftly picked up some snow on his blade, and flung at The Easter Bunny. While he was distracted, Santa leaped to the other side of his opponent and stole his sword. With no way to defend himself, The Easter Bunny ran for it. So began the most famous rabbit chase in North Polian history.
The Easter Bunny had incredible speed, but although he may not have the belly for it, Santa was right behind him, and gaining speed. The Easter Bunny started with running back towards the workshop, then very sharply turned and headed towards the ice rink. Using his rabbit feet, The Easter Bunny easily glided along the ice, but Santa zoomed across the ice when he knocked his boots together which caused ice skating blades to come out of them. When Santa was just about to get The Easter Bunny in his clutches, he made a desperate rabbit hop which caused Santa to go flying across the ice under him. This left Santa unable to stop before he crashed into a sign that read, ''Beware of Wooden Signs''. The force of the crash took the ironic sign off of its post, and sent Santa tumbling all the way down to the Forest of the Globbers. Luckily it was globbing season, so there weren’t any globbers there.
Instead of searching through the forest for his foe, Santa crossed his swords, muttered a few magic words, and let out a piercing cry which sent a circle of energy tearing through the forest. The only thing left standing was The Easter Bunny who was currently chewing on his own foot. Now realizing that Santa was gaining on him, The Easter Bunny picked up one of the few sticks left in the forest and utilized a magic spell of his own. Santa tried to block the spell, but the force was too great. He was now frozen solid. A few magic words later, Santa was free of the ice and the magical phase of this battle had begun.
Santa was the first to strike. His spell barely nipped The Easter Bunny’s ear, which suddenly caught on fire and it spread to his feet. Now bald, The Easter Bunny retaliated with a spell that made Santa’s head egg shaped. From there, I cannot describe the function of each spell because dozens of them were flying through the air at the same time. Only a few spells actually hit, but the spells that did really took their toll. Suddenly, the ground shook with a great vibration, and when Santa saw what the cause was he could not believe it.
There was something I did not mention earlier, only so I could mention it now, to make the story more suspenseful. After The Easter Bunny had gotten out of the school whose name is really long, he returned to his old bunny tribe ChewyMcLettuceCarrot and used his evil magic to gain control of this tribe. He had not planned to use them in battle, but his bad position had forced him to. I also forgot to mention ChewyMcLettuceCarrot consists of 5678 ½ rabbits (one of them was missing a leg.) Now that the story is all suspensed up, let us return to the rampage.
The army of rabbits were closing in fast, but suddenly Santa pulled an accordion out of his pocket and played Jingle Bells on it. Realizing the stupidity of the sight, The Easter Bunny shrieked with laughter. Then, all of a sudden, the ground was shaking harder than ever. Santa had called upon his own army of elves who were now also converging on the site. This army consisted of 6127 ¾ elves (one of them was missing a hat). The simple battle had erupted into an all-out war. Neither army had armed themselves with any weapons, so everyone was either hitting, kicking, or biting each other in some form or way. Santa had taken refuge behind a mound of snow and was using his magic to pick off the rabbits one by one. The Easter Bunny, on the other hand, had buried himself completely with snow. He was now chewing on his own bald ear. As the battle raged on, Santa’s army slowly gained momentum. After a few more hours, the rabbits were easily outnumbered, and just as they were about to surrender, their backup had arrived.
It was a giant, fighting, bunny robot, and it was very pimped out. It was made of solid chromium steel which was infused with titanium garters and had two missile launching mechanisms per elbow, a double particle beam with six different types of destructive particles, light saber arm extensions, an automatic carrot bazooka, plasma grenade launchers, jetpack ankles which gave it the ability to fly, and a whole bunch of other stuff I am too lazy to describe. The operator of this grand machine was none other than The Easter Bunny himself. After The Easter Bunny pressed a few buttons on his machine, missiles took out a third of the elf army. Then Santa spread a magical shield around himself and the rest of his army, and sent one elf back to the workshop.
Within a few minutes, he returned with Santa’s giant, fighting robot, which Santa took control of immediately. His robot had all the same stuff as the rabbits’ robot plus a home theater system, a video arcade, and an indoor toilet. After Santa pressed a few buttons on his machine, candy canes took out half of the rabbit army. Due to these armies being shot at, they had no choice but to retreat. So all that was left was Santa, The Easter Bunny, and two giant, fighting, pimped-out robots.
This time The Easter Bunny was the first to strike. He launched an ice particle beam at Santa. Santa knocked the beam away with his light saber extensions and came at The Easter Bunny with them. Just as The Easter Bunny was about to launch another missile, Santa had already chopped off the robot’s ears and legs, which grew back almost instantly. Then The Easter Bunny shot another particle beam at Santa, closely followed by heat seeking missiles. Santa dodged the beam, but was struck by two of the missiles. This left a gaping hole in his robot’s left shoulder, but he quickly retaliated by slamming into The Easter Bunny’s robot. Then he picked up the crumpled robot and threw it. It finally came crashing down 200 yards away, but it was not out yet. The Easter Bunny started up his robot’s ankle jetpacks and rose into the air. Santa did the same and was already trying again to slam into his opponent. He missed by inches, and had just looked up when he saw that his enemy was nose diving toward him. It was a direct hit. The Easter Bunny was soaring towards the ground with his opponent, and Santa was unable to get away before his robot was slammed into the ground.
His robot was totaled, all except for the particle beam which he ripped off his machine to confront his still airborne opponent. Santa blasted at his rival’s robot, but could not get any direct hits. Any missiles fired at Santa were easily blasted away, and any beams blasted at Santa were met by his beam which canceled it out. So all The Easter Bunny could do was lunge at his opponent. After one failed lunge attempt, Santa directly blasted the robot with a goopy beam. This goop soon spread around the rest of the robot leaving it unable to move.
Then Santa retrieved his two swords from his busted robot, and sliced his way to The Easter Bunny who was currently chewing on his own arm. Having no way to defend himself or run away, The Easter Bunny finally surrendered. Then Santa dragged the rabbit back to the workshop, pummeled him, collected his tail, and shot the bald, tail-less creature out of a cannon.
By that time, Christmas was over, so the presents had to be mailed to the kids. The elves rebuilt the workshop and the Forest of the Globbers and after paying ransom for that particularly unlucky elf, everything was right at the workshop. It was now the off-season, so the elves just sat around eating cookies all day and getting fat. Santa mounted The Easter Bunny’s tail on the new door, and every time he looked at it he laughed at how The Easter Bunny must have felt when he chopped his tail off. Then Santa looked on his desk and found a tape. Having nothing better to do, he stuck it in his VCR.
“Did you do as you were instructed?” asked a bald bunny to one of his associates. “Yes master, we have kidnapped Santa’s wife and left a tape revealing our location.”
“Excellent, now all I have to do is wait for Santa to come to me, and he will breathe his last breath.”